I’m working my way through Richard Herring’s Emergency Questions book, 15 questions at a time. This week, it’s questions 136-150. You can read more about this project here. Please be aware that some of the questions are somewhat vulgar.
136. What is your preferred epithet for male genitalia?
I just tend to use ‘penis’. We shouldn’t be embarrassed about genitalia and hide them behind euphemisms.
137. How long do you think it would take you to write 500 emergency questions?
Months. I’d make a good start, and then get to, like, 43, and get distracted. And then I probably wouldn’t pick it up again for weeks.
138. Did you ever learn to juggle? If so how many things can you juggle? I demand to see proof of your juggling claims.
I’ve tried to learn to juggle but my hand-eye co-ordination isn’t great, so I’ve never been successful. If I really put the effort in, I might be able to learn to juggle three balls.
139. If I could guarantee you would be unkillable, indestructible and uninjurable for the next ten years, but would die once the decade was up, would you go for it?
No. I’d like to live longer than 10 years, so that I could see Lizzie grow up. I’m not the daredevil sort and my health is reasonably good, so I can’t see myself dying any time soon.
Although if I knew I’d die in 10 years, then I’d probably stop paying 6% of my salary into a pension. It might raise issues with our life insurance policies though.
140. Could you ever have sex with someone that calls breasts “boobies”? What if they did it while you were having sex? Would you stop having sex with them?
Yes, I could; yes, I have.
141. If you had to murder one person at your work/college/family – if you had to – which person would you murder?
These questions make me think that Richard Herring has some plans for a dystopian future.
If I had to murder someone, then I’d probably choose someone that I actually liked and made a big deal of it. Because clearly, if I’m being forced to do it, something has gone very wrong and I would want the world to know that it was against my will.
142. If you didn’t have to murder one person at your work/college/family, but knew you could get away with it, which person would you murder?
143. What makes a good emergency question?
A question that takes an increasingly tedious interview, and resets it back onto more interesting path.
144. If you had to put everyone called Smith in a league table based on their worth who would be: a) the best Smith b) the median Smith and c) the worst Smith? Only answer when you can give a name for all three Smiths.
The best Smith would be Matt Smith, he of Doctor Who fame. The median Smith would be my mate Dave.
The worst Smith would be Morrissey. Do you see what I did there?
No, but really, Morrissey says some ridiculous things.
145. When you have fears that you may cease to be before your pen has gleaned your teeming brain, what do you do?
Write blog posts.
146. Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real you thought that it was true? How do you know it wasn’t and that this is just a dream?
I’ve had a few, but I’m rubbish at remembering dreams for more than a few hours afterwards unless I write them down. Sometimes I’ve woken up having dreamt that a thing has happened, and then remembered it was a dream.
147. What’s your favourite drink? If you found out it was actually made out of wasp urine and always had been, would it still be your favourite and would you carry on drinking it?
Cola is the drink that I consume the most and enjoy, and yes, I would probably still drink it if I learned that it was made of wasp urine.
148. Would you rather be immune from ever getting chlamydia or have free KitKats for life? (You would get 365 four finger Kitkats per year, or 366 on a Leap Year, but would still be able to get chlamydia).
Free KitKats. Since I’m in a committed relationship, my chance of getting chlamydia is pretty low. Although ideally I would prefer a non-Nestlé product for ethical reasons.
149. If you could go into the transportation chamber from “The Fly” with a living creature of your choice, which creature would you choose?
A quokka, so I could end up as a hopefully cute human/quokka hybrid.
150. What was your nickname at school?
At primary school, the only nickname I remember was ‘sticky fingers’. I ate an orange, and had sticky fingers.