I’m working my way through Richard Herring’s Emergency Questions book, 15 questions at a time. This week, it’s questions 106-120. You can read more about this project here. Please be aware that some of the questions are somewhat vulgar.
121. If you had the ability to rearrange your internal organs into the configuration of your choice, what changes would you make?
I’m not a biologist (I last studied Biology 17 years ago for my GCSEs), but I think millions of years of evolution have resulted in a pretty good configuration. That being said, if there was some way of making being kicked in the bollocks less painful (without reducing fertility), I may be up for that.
122. If you were in a Groundhog Day situation what would be the worst crime that you would commit, knowing that when you woke up, it would almost certainly not have happened?
Okay, for the record I wouldn’t want to commit a crime, even if I could get away with it – usually crimes are crimes because they stop someone else being hurt or disadvantaged. And I’m proud that I have no criminal record. But perhaps it would be nice to watch a few films without paying for them, if there were no consequences for doing so…
123. If you had to bathe in excrement – if you had to – what animal or individual human’s excrement would you choose to bathe in?
Whilst I will probably end up re-using part of this answer later: Nigella Lawson. She eats lots of nice things and therefore must have nice poo.
124. If you were given the ability to fluently speak another language (that you can’t currently speak) which language would you choose and why?
Arabic would be the most useful language for work.
125. If you were God what flavour would you have made ejaculant? Because it’s like God didn’t even consider that people were going to eat it.
Chocolate, of course.
126. Do you ever worry that you are a character in a computer game, operated by some bored teenage deity or alien who is deliberately just making loads of shit happen to see what you’ll do, like you’re nothing more than an ant under a microscope and that soon he will bored and have you killed in a ridiculous way?
No, because my life just isn’t that interesting. I mean, it would be like the most boring version of The Sims ever.
127. If you had to be killed in a natural disaster – if you had to – which natural disaster would you choose?
Huge, unavoidable, earth-destroying meteor strike, that instantly wipes out every living thing. That way, we’d all die immediately and painlessly, and with no-one left behind, we wouldn’t miss each other because we would all be dead.
Apart from maybe those on the International Space Station. Sorry guys.
128. Can you think of any situation in which a pussy should be grabbed?
If your pussy wanders off somewhere that it shouldn’t be, you should pick it up and bring it back somewhere safe.
Oh, this isn’t about cats? Well, then, if the person whose pussy you wish to grab is absolutely consenting, then I suppose you could. But it’s never acceptable in a non-consensual way.
129. Why do fools fall in love with Darren Day?
Maybe people find him attractive, or like his singing voice? He’s not my type.
130. Is there actually a person of whom you’d be prepared to drink their bath water? Who is it? What if they had a really pooey bum that day?
Probably not. I can’t think of a situation where I would find drinking someone else’s bath water the best option. Unless there’s some massive collapse of society and we end up in a dystopian totalitarian state where it’s the only water available.
131. What walks on four legs in the morning?
Hopefully nothing in my house.
132. Did you ever see a lassie go this way and that?
No, and we haven’t introduced Lizzie to this nursery rhyme yet.
133. What is the most impressive celebrity that ever came to your school?
We had someone from Yorkshire County Cricket Club visit our primary school, but I can’t remember his name. Over than that, nope, nobody at all.
134. Did any future celebrities go to your school?
Not really; Julian Fell is the only person from my secondary school who is important enough to have a Wikipedia page, by virtue of being a series winner of the Channel 4 TV show Countdown when he was only 18 years old. I think he was in the year below me. He subsequently went to the University of Cambridge.
135. Did any siblings of celebrities teach at your school?
Not that I am aware of, no.