Neil Turner's Blog

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RHEQs – 61-75

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I’m working my way through Richard Herring’s Emergency Questions book, 15 questions at a time. This week, it’s questions 61-75. You can read more about this project herePlease be aware that some of the questions are somewhat vulgar.

61. What’s your worst experience with the delivery company Yodel?

I had a package ‘delivered’, but couldn’t see it anywhere – it came when no-one was at home, and I couldn’t see anywhere obvious where it had been hidden outside. I made a complaint and they ‘investigated’ it – the delivery driver stated that he had delivered it to our back door, which was bizarre because we don’t have one.

A couple of days later, our next-door neighbour came around – the package had been delivered to them. I suppose I should give Yodel the benefit of the doubt to some extent but it wasn’t a great experience at the time.

I reckon there should be a law that states that companies must inform consumers who the delivery company will be before the purchase is completed. My heart sinks whenever I buy something online, and then find out it’s being delivered by Yodel or Hermes (with whom we’ve also had issues). I’d rather pay a little more and have it delivered by someone better; the past few deliveries we’ve had from DPD have been great, for example.

62. Would you rather date a woman who was a six foot vulva or a woman who instead of having genitalia had another woman living in a burrow between her legs?

The woman with another woman living in the burrow – extra company!

63. What’s the best museum you’ve ever been to?

The ‘Dead Zoo’ in Dublin, Ireland, better known as the Natural History Museum. There’s some amusing taxidermy going on. Eureka in Halifax is also great.

64. If you could murder one person and have an 87% chance of getting away with it, who would you kill?

I’ll preface this with my view that murder is never. ever acceptable – no matter how evil the victim is.

That being said… if something ‘happened’ to Donald Trump, I think the world would be a better place. I mean, he’s old now…

65. What is the biggest animal that has bitten you?

A hamster. I know, it’s not a very impressive answer, but my allergies make close contact with bigger animals difficult.

66. Have you got what it takes to be a spy?

Hah, no. I’m not the best at keeping secrets, to the extent that a close friend of mine doesn’t tell me anything important until it’s already public knowledge.

67. Is Dutch a genuine language or are the people of Holland just taking the piss out of us all?

Yes, it is – and don’t forget that some parts of Belgium speak a dialect of Dutch.

68. If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?

Relaxing massage oil.

69. What age would you like to be when you get to Heaven, presuming there is a Heaven and you get to choose what age you’ll be up there?

101. I’d like to hit triple figures and then call it a day. Considering my great-grandmother lived to 102, my grandad is going strong at almost 97 and my dad is well in his 70s, I stand a good chance of making it too.

70. If you could get a law named after you, what would it be?

‘When dealing with a group of people, you’ll spend 90% of your time dealing with the most awkward 10% of them.’

71. If you could have a part of the human body named after you what would it be?

Probably a leg bone, as I’d like to think I’m a supportive person.

72. What do you consider your median achievement?

My photography skills. I could probably a fantastic photographer if I had the time to learn more about how my DSLR camera’s different modes worked. As it stands, I take lots of reasonable photos, but not many fantastic ones.

73. Do you ever worry that you have already lived your life and are now in a care home with Alzheimer’s Disease and what you perceive as reality is just a distorted memory of the first time this happened?

No.

74. Is there anything purple within 10 feet of you?

Yes – a purple sock bunny that lives on my desk. Christine bought it for me very early on in our relationship.

75. Which five celebrities are on your celebrity shag list?

  1. Jennifer Lawrence
  2. Amy Schumer
  3. Victoria Coren-Mitchell
  4. Neil Patrick Harris
  5. John Barrowman

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