I’m working my way through Richard Herring’s Emergency Questions book, 15 questions at a time. This week, it’s questions 16-30. You can read more about this project here. Please be aware that some of the questions are somewhat vulgar.
16. Would you rather have a hand made out of suncream or an armpit that dispensed ham?
This is the inverse of question 2, and on this occasion, I’d choose the armpit that dispensed ham. I’d be concerned that a hand made out of suncream would be about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
17. If you could choose one thing for your armpit to dispense, what would that thing be?
Diet cola. Would save me a lot of money.
18. Have you ever put anything up your urethra?
Not that I can remember.
19. What is the meaning of life?
Or, for a more interesting answer: make the world better than it would’ve been had you not been around, like making people happy or contributing to society.
20. What is the chemical composition of a carrot?
I didn’t study chemistry after GCSE so I’m not really qualified to answer this. But I have colleagues who could stick one in a spectroscopy machine and let you know.
21. Would you rather be a cow or a badger?
A badger. Cows are big and largely docile, whereas badgers get to go out and dance in fields with mushrooms and snakes.
22. Have you ever seen a famous TV animal in real life?
No. The only famous things I’ve seen are people and inanimate objects.
23. Have you ever tried to communicate with the dead?
No, although at school we did a week-long video project where we had a ouija board. It wasn’t very good.
24. If you had to marry a Muppet – if you had to – which Muppet would you marry?
Beeker is my favourite Muppet, but I think Kermit has better long-term partner prospects.
25. Have you ever had a near death experience?
No. I’m quite risk averse.
26. Are you a ghost?
I don’t think so, but who really knows? I may have died years ago, and this is all some kind of afterlife.
27. What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding?
You’ll need to buy the book to read Richard’s explanation.
I’m not sure, but it sounds like the premise of the 1999 Graham Linehan sitcom Hippies.
28. Would you rather have a tit that dispenses talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time What would you do with such a power?
I think the time travelling finger would be cool, not at least because I don’t personally use talcum powder. I think it would be good to have a peek at how places looked in the past, or to try to see places how I remember them when I was younger.
29. If you got on Dragon’s Den, what product would you pitch?
At some point, I’d like to make a wall-mounted tablet that has a home screen with an overview of today’s calendar events, reminders, weather, train times etc. It would be great to glance shortly before leaving for work, and could be a good way of sharing important notes with other members of the household. I could probably knock something up with a Raspberry Pi and/or a cheap tablet, but it would be good to develop an app or a piece of hardware that could be easily wall-mounted.
30. What’s the worst experience you’ve ever had in a hotel?
I blogged about it! It was in late 2011 at a Travelodge in Manchester. I’ve since stayed at other Travelodges and had better experiences, so it needs to be read in the context of it happening many several years ago.