I’m working my way through Richard Herring’s Emergency Questions book, 15 questions at a time. This week, it’s questions 1-15. You can read more about this project here. Please be aware that some of the questions are somewhat vulgar.
1. Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?
Here’s a question that really sets the tone…
I think trying to suck your own penis is a rite of passage for most people who possess such an organ, and yes, that includes me. And no, it wasn’t successful.
2. Which would you prefer? A hand made out of ham or an armpit that dispensed suncream?
There are some clarification notes here, which will be familiar to anyone who listens to the podcast. I’m not reproducing them here – you’ll have to buy the book.
I would choose the armpit that dispenses suncream. I like ham, but not enough to want to be able to eat it anytime, anywhere. On the other hand, being able to have suncream available at all times would be very helpful. I use sunblock moisturiser on my face every morning, and having worked alongside dermatologists for some years, I’d rather cover myself with suncream and be pasty-white, than risk getting skin cancer.
3. If you had to have sex with an animal – if you had to – what animal would you have sex with and why?
Again, you’ll need to buy the book for Richard’s own answer to his question.
Something big, cuddly and tame. Maybe a panda.
4. What would it take for you to fellate the actor Keith Allen?
Probably some financial recompense and permission from my wife.
5. What age were you breast-fed until?
13 months, which was a very long time in the 1980s. By contrast, Christine is still breastfeeding Lizzie at 19 months.
6. Have you ever seen a ghost?
I don’t think so.
7. Have you ever seen a Bigfoot?
No. You don’t tend to get many bigfoot in West Yorkshire.
8. If you had to have sex with a monster from Doctor Who – if you had to – which of his many foes would you choose?
I’m beginning to detect a theme here.
I’m going to include Torchwood in this, since it’s in the Doctor Who universe, and include the Cyberwoman from episode 4 of the first series.
9. What is your favourite cheese?
10. Has your sibling ever seen a ghost?
I don’t have any siblings, so I can’t answer this question.
11. Who is your favourite historical character?
Alan Turing. A brave, intelligent man who did so much for the world of computing, but was treated horribly by the state after the Second World War.
12. What is love anyway?
Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more…
13. Would you rather have the attributes of a radiator or a fridge-freezer?
I’d rather be a radiator, as then I’d be more warm and snuggly.
14. What do you think happens when we die?
Nothing. That’s it, you’re dead, the end. I don’t believe in afterlife. This is part of the reason why I’m an organ donor – once I’m done with this body, it’s of no use to me and anything left over is just worm food.
15. What’s it like being Neil Turner?
It’s okay, I guess? I wouldn’t say my life is fantastic, but I’ve got the basics right: stable job, wonderful wife, happy child, a house, a car, just about enough money to live off and be able to do a few fun things, reasonable physical and mental health. It would be nice if I was richer and more successful, but only if those things could lead to greater happiness.