As many of you in Britain will know, there’s due to be a General Election next month. And I’d like to announce that I’m to stand as an independent MP for Bradford East, my local constituency.
This may come as something as a surprise, but recent issues such as the economy, Digital Economy Bill, electoral reforms and changes to the libel system have helped me decide to run. I’ve been planning this for some time and decided that this was the right time to do it.
I’ve set up my campaign web site, but to summarise, here are my policies:
We’re recovering from a major economic disaster. I want to help the recovery by:
- Introducing a ‘Robin Hood Tax’, where merry men dressed in green shoot bows and arrows at bankers until they pay them to stop.
- Ringfencing public funds by putting them all in a locked filing cabinet, which will placed in a disused toilet with ‘Beware of the Leopard’ on the door.
- Procuring a leopard for the aforementioned disused toilet.
- Introduce taxes on homoeopathic remedies, to be reviewed when the homoeopathic industry can prove that homoeopathy actually works.
Climate change is a major issue, and one that will affect everyone in the world within our lifetimes. I propose:
- More electric cars, with extra long extension leads so that they can be plugged into the mains while in motion.
- Funding development of technology that can turn the hot air generated in the House of Commons into electricity. I expect this to be able to power around 40% of homes in Greater London.
- Encouraging Bracknell Forest to live up to its name and have more trees, in the hope that it’ll feel less like a soul-less new town.
Britain has been credited with many great inventions – the television, the computer and sliced bread. I hope to continue this by:
- Increase research funding to universities, especially those investigating hoverboards and flying cars. This is to ensure that Back to the Future Part II is an accurate representation of 2015.
- A 50p tax on all broadband connections to develop The Matrix.
- Make all government services available on the internet, and allow British citizens to control more aspects of Parliament, such as the contents of MP’s lunchboxes and the colour of the lights in the House of Commons.
Properly managed immigration is key to ensuring that our economy grows and the best talent is attracted to our shores, but without allowing a free-for-all to over-stretch our public services. I propose:
- Voluntary repatriation of all members of UKIP, BNP and readers of the Daily Mail to a small island around the mid-Atlantic ridge.
- A compulsory initiation for those wanting to become British citizens, which involves getting drunk on white cider, stripping down to their underwear and shouting the national anthem while stood on a park bench.
I will announce further information once I and my campaign co-ordinator, Loofa Pril, have discussed our next move.