The Guardian’s G2 supplement today had an article about the “Orgasmatron”, a device for women that allows them to achieve orgasms electronically. It isn’t to be confused with this Orgasmatron, which is merely something that looks like a spider and can be used for head massaging.
“When we turned on the power, she let out a moan and began hyperventilating,” claims Dr Stuart Meloy, unveiling his revolutionary new Orgasmatron, a machine that he claims has a 91% chance of making women reach orgasm. Just plug yourself into the mains, flip the switch and enjoy as your toes curl, your pupils dilate and your neighbours wrinkle their noses and turn up the TV volume in dismay.
“plug yourself into the mains”? Yep, that would give you a bit of a shock, I suppose. The tone of the article continues – the writer then admits that she was
given so many Rampant Rabbits by female friends as “risque” presents that I use one as a kitchen-roll holder.
However unlike the Rampant Rabbit, this is a bit more, erm, surgical. An electrode is surgically implanted into your spinal column, which is then stimulated by remote control (
…it would be one of the only chances I’d get in our house to get my hands on a remote control.). It’s also quite a bit more expensive. I don’t know how much Rampant Rabbits cost because I lack the relevant plumbing to make use of one and have therefore never really made an effort to look, but I imagine they’ll cost less than the £10 000 the implant costs. At that price, I suppose you must be really desperate for an orgasm.
But it does have its fans. The Mirror got someone called ‘Mary’, aged 52, to try it, and she reported that
It certainly works! My legs shot up in the air!. And then presumably her partner wondered where the duvet went.
The device is, as you might expect, not merely for women who really love their partners but were feeling a bit disappointed with his bed gymnastics – it’s actually aimed at women with serious sexual dysfunction. So the author then goes into detail about ‘alternatives’, which, as well as being cheaper, don’t require any insertion of electric objects into sensitive parts of your body.
I sniggered when men started gobbling Viagra in a quest for all-night-long erections, until spam emails for the first female Viagra-esque pills began flooding my inbox, promising the joy of a “nine-hour conjested clitoris” (ouch) while elsewhere there’s a huge marketing push behind female orgasm creams claiming to “increase sensitivity” and “intensify orgasms” by, it appears, making your bits rather hot and inflamed (a bit like thrush, in fact). Surely we’re not daft enough to fall for all this are we? Or those new Femi-X pills containing a herb called “horny goat weed”? Or the milkshake in yesterday’s papers that will have you singing hallelujah on the second sip.
If you have a grand to spare, why not sign up for a “Mindful Masturbation Workshop”, where, as the author describes,
…I can retreat with her and some of her hirsute female chums to a log cabin, throw off my girdle, bang a drum, shout “Vulva” and, using a mirror on a stick, aim for an orgasm so strong I actually transgress my own body. Sounds like fun.
I actually read this article over lunch today and it has to be said that I nearly spat it out at least twice while perusing it. Still, it’ll be interesting to see what Google ads I end up with on this page.