Neil Turner's Blog

Blogging about technology and randomness since 2002

Belated FridayQ: Olympics

Technically it’s still Friday in some parts of the world (well, Hawaii) so I reckon I can get away with this being posted a bit late. As it was I was at work until 7pm yesterday and then we all want out for university-subsidised Omar’s curry (which, despite there being 15-odd of us, the bill was only just into 3 figures). Anyway, without further ado:

FQ1: Which Olympic events are your most and least favorite?

I don’t tend to watch the olympics much, but I do like the rowing, particularly the race when Matthew Pinsent et al won gold. That was an awesome race, and a credit to the Canadian team for not letting the Brits walk all over them and thus making it far better to watch.

FQ2: In what Olympic competition would you have the best shot at a gold medal?

Heh. Me and sport don’t really go together. I’d have a go at long jump though – that was what I usually entered for at school sports day all those years ago.

FQ3: If you could add or invent a new Olympic sport, what would it be?

Office chair racing. This past couple of weeks I’ve had the joy of my own office chair on a newly-polished floor, and I’m sure this could be made into an olympic event. We Brits may even have a chance of winning it 🙂 .

FQ PITCHMAN: Propose why your home town should host the next Olympic Games (your choice Summer or Winter).

I actually have a forwarded email I can include for this – view the extended entry to see it. It’s a little politically incorrect though, and was written shortly after the Bradford Riots of 3 years ago (although it has made a timely reappearence in the inboxes of various Bradford students latelty). Typos and grammatical errors are not mine.

Subject: Bradford Olympics 2004

The people of Bradford have made a late bid to host the 2004 Olympic Games.

However, it has been requested that some of the events and traditions be modified to ensure that local competitors have fairer chance of winning medals.

The International Olympic Committee is respectly asked to consider establishing the Olympic village at Richard Dunn Sports Centre (the showers there should be in fully working order as soon as the copper pipes are returned, but arrangements have been made to use Bradford beck if tney are not returned in time). The use of drugs will be very closely monitored.

A spokesman said yesterday. “Drugs will be only available in the Oak Lane area Bradford”. When asked about urine samples, the spokesman said “No-one takes the p*ss out of our local lads”, and offered the researcher outside.

The Olympic Flame will de slightly different. The lighting ceremony will comprise of the time honoured tradition of torching a brand spanking new BMW.

Proposals have also been put forward concerning rule changes for the following events:

1. 100m Sprint.

Atheletes will sprint along Manningham Lane with a DVD player under one and and microwave oven under the other. The starting gun will be replaced by a Police siren and athletes will be given a 20 metre start, after which police dogs will be released into each lane.

2. Fencing.

Protective face masks will be removed and replaced with black balaclavas as is local custom. Athletes then have to dispose of a wide selection of antiques, electrical goods, mountain bikes and car stereos in the shortest possible time.

3. Triple jump.

This event will revert to its old name of hop, skip and jump it will be sponsored by HMS Prison Service, and medals are awarded to competitors who can find the most ingenious ways of jumping bail.

4. Boxing.

This event will be restricted to husband and wife teams only, and will be held at various social club ‘lock ins’ in the Ravenscliffe and Holme Wood estates on a saturday evenings. Husband must down 14 pints of Stella before encountering their wives, who will announce one of the following:

  • “There’s nowt for our tea”
  • “The telly has been re-possessed”
  • “Our Tracy’s up the stick”
  • “I’m up the stick”
  • “The woman up our road is up the stick, and says its yours”

5. Tug of War.

Chains will be fixed to concrete bollards at the Forster Square Shopping Centre. The winning team will be the one’s who pulls out the bollards the quickest. (The use of 4×4 is not permitted).

6. Equestrian Events.

Horses, ponies and assorted nags will be collected from Dick Lane playing fields. Medals will be awarded for tethering them in the most unusual places.

7. Shot Putt.

Half-bricks will be thrown from different distances at suitable glass windows, i.e. Sunwin House, chemist shops, newsagents and/or traffic on Manningham Lane.

8. Marathon.

Athletes to oe accompanied by a Pit Bull Terrier, Doberman, Alsatian or Whippet. Ferrets and pushchairs are not permitted.

9. Cycling.

The committee is unanimimous in their ruling that tandems are for girls. Most bikes will accommodate two people, as long as they have no brakes or lights, and are ridden along public footpaths. Bikes must be mountain bikes, and must have spent at least two weeks in Leeds/Liverpool canal. Those poxy putaway scooters are not permitted.

10. Swimming.

The only rule is that you must be an illegal immigrant who does not speak English but can make Kebabs. The committee is confident sufficient funds can be found to stage this event.

11. Declathon.

Open to anyone who can get round Harvey Nicks, Flannels, Vivienne Westwood, etc. without being caught for not paying.

12. 200m hurdles.

Six lines of cops and a row of journalists predicting “the end of Bradford as we know it”

13. Football.

The council owned pitches will be used for this event, once all the dog dirt, mattresses and burnt out cars are removed. Any joy riding (showing off their hand brake turns) while the games are taken place is not permitted.

14. Shooting.

This will take place at The Venus club and only sawn off shotguns will be allowed.

15. Weightlifting.

This event will now change to a new event Bus Shelter Smashing. The committee is confident of a medal in this event.

16. Relay.

This will take place on White Abbey Road. The athletes run 50 meters each passing a lighted petrol bomb on to each other before the last athelete lobs it at the target, a black mariah.

Bradford welcomes such a major event, and looks forward to putting up the council tax again. Also we welcome the true spirit of the games flourishing in this part of West Yorkshire. We therefore urge the Olympic Committee to consider this bid in light of a tried and trusted saying, “It’s not the taking part that counts, it’s the taking apart”

One Comment

  1. I think I could medal in Bradford shot putting. I have no prior experience, of course, but it sounds like a sport I could do well at. How does one explain “I’m in training” to the local police though?