Neil Turner's Blog

Blogging about technology and randomness since 2002

More invitations

Alrighty-then, I have 5 more invitations for that free email service that is provided by the world’s biggest search engine. This time, I’m going to do a competition to win them.
Post in the comments below, or via email (neil @ this domain), your best joke. The 5 which I find funniest on Monday will receive invitations. How does that sound?
Note: Please don’t post jokes that are very discriminatory or offensive. Anyone mentioning the two sharks joke will be disqualified.
Update: The competition is closed. Congratulations to all the winners.

20 Comments

  1. In D.C, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
    “You talk?” he asks.
    “Sure do.” the dog replies.
    “So, what’s your story?”
    The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    The owner says, “Ten dollars.”
    The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?”
    ” ‘Cause he’s a fricking liar. He didn’t do any of that crap.”

  2. Neil… a joke for a gmail invite… I was going to do the *exact* same thing yesterday. Get out of my head and stay out! 🙂
    Anyway, I decided to give them away to Andy and Ian instead.
    Good luck to all entrants.

  3. Why does Mike Tyson cry while having sex?
    It’s the pepper spray.

  4. Two busty coeds—a Southern belle and a New England yankee—are in Florida on spring break. The belle turns to the yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from?”
    The yankee turns up her nose and says, “I’m from a school where we don’t end sentences with prepositions.”
    Without missing a beat, the belle replies, “So, where y’all from, bitch?”

  5. Liverpool manager Gerard Houllier sends scouts out round the world looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey, and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
    Two weeks later Liverpool are 3-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 30 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and takes off Emile Heskey. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 in 30 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
    ”Hi Mum, guess what?” he says. ”I played for 30 minutes today, we were 3-0 down, but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me”.
    ”Great,” says his Mum, ”let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were attacked and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time”.
    The young Iraqi lad is very upset. ”What can I say Mum, I’m so sorry.”
    ”Sorry?” says his Mum ”It’s your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!”

  6. Wow, they are really speeding up the rate which they are giving them away now. Methinks it’s going to go public very soon.

  7. The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!”
    The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take you wife and go home.”
    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
    “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

  8. true story:
    In a school for mentally handicapped children, the students were given an essay assignment. The topic was Samo ena je mama. (There is only one mother) According to the teacher, one student turned in a paper that was both wrong and brilliant; he was conflicted about how to grade it.
    This is (roughly) what the essay looked like:
    One day I came home and noticed that a stranger’s shoes were in the foyer. When I went inside, I heard a voice. It was our neighbor talking to my mom. I went into the living room and my mom told me to get two beers for them. I walked to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. I saw that there was only one beer inside, so I yelled to my mom: “There is only one, mother!”

  9. I guess the real reason that this joke is amusing is that it’s true and I know the perpetrators. But, heck, you might find it amusing as well. Names are omitted to protect the guilty.
    A young married couple from a small Texas town had recently had their first child. The husband worked cattle for a living, just as his father had and was firmly ingrained in the cattle culture. One day, the husband came home in the evening from working cattle all day to find his wife crying in the bedroom, sitting in front of the mirror. As he asked he what was wrong, she explained through her tears that she felt fat and unable to lose the weight that she had put on during child-bearing. The husband immediately hugged his wife and attempted to ease her anxiety with comforting words: “Honey, this is just a phase of life that all living things go through. Your just not a young heifer anymore, you’re a cow now.” He couldn’t understand why she began crying even harder.
    NOTE: For those of you who are not familiar with cattle, “young females are called heifers or cow calves … [Mature] adult females over two years of age (approximately) are called cows.” From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cow

  10. The world’s biggest joke?
    Gmails privacy policy. 🙂
    (I already got an account)

  11. Here’s a joke that I saw the other day. I absolutely do not get it so I suppose it must be really funny:
    * What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
    * “Where’s my tractor?”
    Nope, still don’t get it.

  12. Here are two that made me giggle this week. I’m easily amused you see.
    Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You’d think the second one would have ducked.
    Two ropes go into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out of here. We don’t serve ropes in here.” The ropes go outside and one says to the other, “I have an idea.” He ties himself up, messes up his hair, and goes back in. The bartender says, “Hey. No ropes.” The rope says, “I’m not a rope.” The bartender says, “You’re not a rope?” “Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”

  13. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    gmail

  14. A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the kids have been helping themselves to a feast.
    The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!”
    He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
    The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”

  15. There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying,
    “All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now ’cause the train’s getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo.”
    The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,
    “Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can’t play with your train set for two hours.”
    So the boy took his nap and didn’t even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said,
    “Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed ’cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

  16. Oprah Winfree arrested at LAX.
    Seems as though she was randomly selected for a more thorough search, and when the female agent lifted her skirt, 50 pounds of crack were found.

  17. Q. Why wouldnt you buy a dwarf with learning dificulties?
    A. Because its not big and its not clever!

  18. The problem with America is stupidity. I’m not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

    once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ‘ hot xxx galore’. While i clicked my fav’rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, ” ‘Tis not possible!”, i muttered, ” give me back my free hardcore!”….. quoth the server, 404.

    I gotta go. There’s a dude next to me and he’s watching me type, which is sort of starting to creep me out. Yes dude next to me, I mean you.

    Hey – can I just make bash.org my submission? People outside must be wondering why they are occasionally hearing my keyboard and the bursts of laughter!

  19. Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
    One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
    One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics.”
    The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he’s president of the United States.”

  20. What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his clothes?
    BLEEEAAATCH!!!!