Neil Turner's Blog

Blogging about technology and randomness since 2002

How to write an essay

Someone forwarded this to me, and I couldn’t resist sharing it…

  1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lit place in front of your computer.
  2. Log onto MSN and ICQ (be sure to go on away!). Check your mail.
  3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
  4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some chocolate to help you concentrate.
  5. Check your email.
  6. Call up a friend and ask if he/she wants to go to the cafe and grab a hot chocolate. Just to get settled down and ready to work.
  7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place.
  8. If your room is not clean, take out the garbage and vacuum first.
  9. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
  10. Check your email.
  11. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
  12. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
  13. Grab some mp3s off kazaa Shareaza.
  14. Check your email.
  15. MSN chat with one of your friends about the future (ie summer plans).
  16. Check your email.
  17. Listen to your new mp3s and download some more.
  18. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your lecturer, the course, the college, the world at large.
  19. Walk to the store and buy a pack of gum. You’ve probably run out.
  20. While you’ve got the gum you may as well buy a magazine and read it.
  21. Check your email.
  22. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV.
  23. Play some solitare.
  24. Check out
  25. Wash your hands.
  26. Call up a friend to see how much they have done, probably haven’t started either.
  27. Look through your housemate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
  28. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
  29. Check to see if has been updated yet.
  30. Check your email and listen to your new mp3s.
  31. You should be rebooting by now, assuming that Windows is crashing on schedule.
  32. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
  33. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
  34. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
  35. Punch the wall and break something.
  36. Check your email.
  37. Mumble obscenties.
  38. 5am – start hacking on the essay without stopping.
  39. 6am – essay is finished.
  40. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that stupid essay.
  41. Go to lecture, hand in essay, and leave right away so you can take a nap.

Like who hasn’t been there before? 😉

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